Talking to heroes

I don't know why or even how I put myself in these situations but I've ended up face to face with a few of my heroes.  It happened tonight.  The best comedian out there.  The comic that doesn't name names.  I saw him twice, Friday late night and Sunday.  He was incredible both nights.  I think this guy is my "What would so and so do in this situation?"  I like his take on life.  I like that he's a real man.  I like that he's firing on all cylinders in his comedy and personal life.  I like how he reacts to situations.  I like how he learns from his mistakes.  I like how he gets me.  What I'm trying to say is...

I'm gay.

Truth and connection (comedy)

Two sides to comedy:

1. Being true to yourself

2. Connecting with an audience and really making them laugh

The struggle, or maybe better said, the journey is combining these two.

Every comic has to make the audience laugh, if they don't do this they're not really doing comedy.

Some comics want to be true to themselves, if they do this they are not always connecting with an audience and if you're not connecting with an audience you're not making them laugh.

How do you be true to yourself and connect with the audience?  This is the great question for the aspiring comedian. There will be plenty of advice on this journey, much of it conflicting.  One thing I've learned about advice is to look at who it's coming from.  Ask yourself if you want what they have?  If the answer is yes and you respect the person then take the advice.  If the answer is no pass on it.

The unfortunate thing for the aspiring comic is the lack of easy paths to take, there simply are none.  The first step is you need to be born funny.  The second step is you need stage time.  The third step is you need to write.  The fourth step is you need to review, find what works and change what doesn't.

Repeat steps 2 through 4 until the self truth and audience connection have been reached.

More weird shit

Another birthday party that I'm roped into attending.  By "roped in" I mean I'm a Dad taking care of two kids and that's kind of what you have to do if you're going to be spending time with your children. The birthday man is turning 5 and I'm bringing the 4 and 6 year old Fightmaster's, they're ready to party!

I show up to the party and the kids immediately start entertaining themselves on the trampoline.  That's one of the great things about kids parties is you can finally relax a little while they leave you alone to go have some fun with their friends.  I make a b line for the food and start stuffing my feelings with a sandwich while washing it down with some diet pepsi.  Now it's a party.

Right when I'm getting my party on I notice that the parents are herding all the kids into the house.  I suddenly spot a police officer coming down the side of the house and he yells at me, "Get in the house!"

There's 8 cop cars out front.  The place is surrounded.  Apparently some guy exposed himself to some girls at the park a little bit ago and the police thought he was hiding somewhere near the party.  This mother starts explaining to me what happened and then she asks me, "What sort of a thrill do you get from exposing yourself to a little girl?"  Why are you asking me this lady?  My friend later told me that I look like someone who might know the answer to that question.

The cops now think the perp is hiding in this ladies house next door.  The swat team has arrived, guns are out.  The lady starts shaking and crying.  Her dogs are in the house and she's worried.  Three hours we're sequestered in this home while the cops prepare to go in and get this guy.  It takes three hours to learn there's no one there, he got away.

I ate some cupcakes, ice cream and a bunch of candy after that and then came home and took a nap.  This has been another day in the life of yours truly.

Duke

Take the years

Does the yell come from behind?
Looking back to years unkind
Scarred into the years of good
Holding on to burning wood
The house is gone along with vision
The clean of hope lost decision
Faces met with worrisome less
Time has passed but present jests
Holding temples to reconcile
Burning bridges all the while
Love is close but hatred lives
Taking all the world gives

Headed for nothing both ways

I think I know but I'm not sure that I know
Can you lose what was once inside of you?
So close before to the understanding
It leaves me thinking I know less than before
I used to hold on to answers but they slip through my hands like holograms
What if they're all holograms?
Sent down from the mothership trying to trick me?
I can be that foolish.
I can believe in beauty, it's easy that way.
The spiritual fox.
Everyone has their hard thing and mine has me fading away into the nothingness.
If you're doing it right you're headed for nothing and if you are wrong the result is the same.

No freedom (inner)

Once again our lips come so close yet they do not touch
This wall that touches my head with gentle smashing
Two truths that oppose each other
Nothing more than a dream of jokes
Laughter from the wrong side
Heavy is the skin above my eyes
The animal has instincts
We know but we don't talk
We see but we don't acknowledge
The doctor won't speak the word
The commercials live strong
Too strong to free any man

Fuck it is powerfully good and bad (you choose)

It's the day after my birthday and my stomach feels like it's ready to explode.  Donuts, milkshakes, fudge, waffles and birthday sex make Duke a fucked up mother fucker.  Why the extremes?  It's all or nothing.  No sugar or all sugar.

I'm a man of "fuck it".  My favorite attitude.  The fuck it attitude can take you places in life but it can also ruin you.  It must be harnessed for good.  Use the good of the fuck it attitude and never use fuck it for bad.  Oh Fuck it maybe sometimes for bad.

The party result (hung over)

So I was asked to do this party.  I'm offered $200.  I can't turn that shit down.  But then the red flags start to appear.  Instead of 15 minutes they want 30.  They want it pg 13. 

I ignore the signs, I take the money, I bomb hard.

When I arrive to the party I learn that the crowd is mostly a church group.  One gentleman says he will pray for me.  My act get's worse and worse.  Each thing I said was worse than the previous one.  With each punchline the audience gasps in horror.  I go down hard.  Then I say fuck my material and talk to the birthday girls.  One girl dances and the crowd goes wild.  I say thank, good night and get the hell out of there.  Luckily she paid upfront.

I'm now licking my wounds and trying to figure out my next move. Til then...

I'm fucked! I have a gig tonight!!

I'm nervous. Fuck. A couple weeks ago I performed at a house party and it went really well. Some of my new fans from my trivia night wanted to see me perform so they put together a house party and offered me $150 to do 15 minutes. I really have never done over ten minutes. I dreaded bombing that night but it turned out great. I got an encore after 20 minutes and did a total of almost a half hour. They even paid me $205!

Now some girl heard that I performed at that party and she decided to hire me for her birthday party. My new manager told her $200 and she said,"For $200 can he perform for at least a half hour?"

My manager said,"Okay."

Tonight is the night. Fuck. I'm nervous. I just ate pancakes, a cinniman roll, and ice cream for breakfast. Not sure if that was a good idea.

I'm gonna bring my guitar. Oh fuck. It's a cocktail party, I'm gonna wear a suit. Can I be funny in a suit?

I'll report back tomorrow.

Happy anniversery

Happy ten years anniversary to me and my wife!  Married 10 years, together 14.  She says we can't count the four because we weren't married for those.  I fucked up and wasted those years.  There's couples that have been together for a shorter period but married longer, they're beating us.  I've basically humiliated my wife and permanently damaged the number of years we've been married.  That's kind of bullshit craziness you have to put up with if you want a marriage to work.

Want to know how to keep a marriage together?  Don't leave.

Here's another piece of advice, no matter how much she deserves the blame, don't do it.  "My wife is not my problem" is a good mantra. I am my problem.  She's just there bringing up the fucked upness that resides within.  That's her job, to show you how fucked up you really are.  My job is to somehow work through my own craziness that my wife inevitably brings to the surface.  If I look at my relationship as a tool to work through my own craziness, then I can grow as a human.  If I can grow as a human then my capability to love becomes greater.  If that happens the love which surrounds my wife and I will grow.  If that happens she will get cooler.  If that happens I will get more sex.  If that happens I will be a happy man.

In conclusion: Let your wife bring out your inner demons, fight them, and get laid!

Goodbye to the stars

The outdoor swimming pool sits above the ground in the middle of an acre of grass. An extension cord runs to the pool. The children are instructed not to dump water on the extension cord. Apparently they don't want the kids to get electrocuted.

I'm surrounded by rolling hills of green and brown. Trees take up much of the landscape and tower a few stories tall. I day dream of a complicated tree house I've built with multiple levels and rooms. It's very impressive. My children are very impressed in this day dream.

I come out of fantasy as my son yells at me to get him a towel.

Last night the moon was full. I felt the beauty of the land for a breif moment. I look to the sky and see the stars. I'm reminded of when I was younger and would look at the stars every night, when I smoked cigarettes. Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times. Then one day I just left it behind me. I guess I said goodbye to the stars on that day.

Laughs are key / bombing sucks

Bombimg is a bitch.  It's a car wreck into reality.  Although my bombs lately have been in front of crowds of less than ten people, all of who are comedians who are waiting to go on.  I've heard that Seinfeld says, "Good crowds help you write, bad crowds help you edit."  This is my experience.  I've just come off of a big, hot crowd at a house party.  I received an encore and evrything, wrote a bunch of new stuff.  I could do no wrong in front of these guys.  Last night in front of the eight comics I could do no right.  Except the laughter that a comic will give you when you're bombing.  Fuck.

Bad crowds make you edit.  And they make me want to redouble my effort and learn this thing.  I've been doing stand up over a year and a half and the one thing I know now is that first and foremost you need the laughs. A comic needs laughs to breath.  Laughs come first and something to say comes second.  Fuck.

Every comic needs to learn their own personal process.  I'm learning.

The minimum

The minimum isn't enough to drown
but it's enough to keep the water going
water seeps in through the town
with the minimum it's hardly showing
but one day the drowning will come
because we've started the minimum flow
the eternal sacred is where it's from
evil spirits are drowning slow
this is the freeing of the girl
the one who soars through minds with seeds
the one who connects your inside world
with writings and drawings, no weeds
it's the minimum you can't see
it's the small continuing walk
at night the girl runs free
through her can you talk

Inside looker

Words to go
words that flow
words I never knew I know
Love to free
Love I see
Love is not enough for me
Strong for good
Strong is should
Strong is strongest when it's could
Friends were first
Friends through worst
Friends leave me because I'm cursed
Bonds were made
Bonds were played
Bonds appear to have been slayed
Inside inner
inside begginer
inside looker is the winner

Cracky marries Goldie (Kids story)

Once upon a time there was a little girl. Her name was Sierra. Her favorite color was pink. She loved to wear dresses and pretend she was a princess. There was a boy at her school named Cracky. She wanted Cracky to be her prince. Cracky said,"If you want you could marry me when we grow up."

And Sierra said,"Yes I will marry you when we grow up."

Sierra had a best friend named Goldie. Goldie really liked Cracky too and she wanted to marry him. Cracky said,"I will marry you Goldie when I get older." And Goldie was happy.

Cracky told his Mom that he had two girlfriends at school and that he was going to marry both of them. The mom said,"Cracky you can't marry two people!"

and then Cracky said,"What?!"

Cracky went back to school and told both of his girfriends that you can't marry two people. He said,"I guess you guys will just be my girlfriends." He decided to marry Sierra because he promised her first.

Sierra was so happy. But then she moved to kindergarten while Cracky stayed in preschool and she got a new older boyfriend.

Cracky said,"Well I guess I'll marry Goldie."

The end

Cracky (Kids story)

Story

Once upon a time there was a little boy called Cracky.  Cracky was a little crazy.  He had a lot of energy.  He was really funny.  He liked to run around and play games, make people laugh, and have a lot of fun.  

He always wanted to do things his way.  If someone wanted to do something different he would push them.  If they still wanted to do something different he would cry.  

If his mom and dad told him no he would cry.  If that didn't change their minds he would try to hug them.

If he wanted some candy from his dad he would say,"Does daddy want a hug?" and he would give his daddy a big hug and then ask for candy.

Cracky loved candy.  If he didn't have candy he would get really mad.  He would yell,"Just give me candy!  Give me candy and I'll feel better!"

One day Cracky got a time out at school because he broke something and hurt his friend.  The teacher told Cracky that he had to listen to his teacher and parents and be nice to his friends.

Cracky decided to be nice to his friends and asked them what they wanted to do.  Cracky's friends wanted to play freeze tag and it was a lot of fun for Cracky.  Cracky learned that he could have fun doing what someone else wanted to do.

The end

Good stuff makes me nervous

I'm sort of freaking out right now. I had the best night of my comedy life the other night playig a house party. They treated me like a rock star. It was awesome. I've been contemplating a way to recreate that same experience, get a house party together, spread the word about me and charge $200. Was it too good to be true? Were the stars perfectly aligned that night in a way that can't be duplicated or is this lightening I can put in a bottle.

I have a new manager, the head of one of the trivia teams from Thursday's trivia night in Newport. He got me the first gig and said it was a bonus that he won't take out the %15 for the first gig. It went awesome and I walked away with $205. He's got a second party lined up and we've decided to charge $200. $170 for me and $30 for him. Sounds awesome.

Apparently this girl is throwing a double birthday party for her and her roomate. It's a cocktail party, I need to wear cocktail attire. Parents and family will be there. Both conservatives an liberals will be attending. I have been asked to keep my material pg 13. My manager said I'm available that night for $200 to perform 15-20 minutes. The girl has requested that for that price I do 30 minutes. I rarely do over 7 minutes! My material is a little racy.

I'm kind of freaking out right now. Fuck it, I'm going for it. I'll report back.

Inside job

Late night ramblings from a mad man again!  I'm tired and I'm half human, half space cadet.  Traveling the inner universe.  How high can you get from staying up late?  It's a pretty good buzz but it all depends on where your head is at.  That goes for any type of high you're going for.  Where's your head at?

If your head is good then it's all good.  Isn't that a song?  "Smoke two joints"?  It talks about how before he does anything he has to fix his head.  This is true.  So weird that life is all about what goes on between your ears.  If they were to take away everyone's money and wipe away everyone's debt and then give everyone in the world one million dollars, within a few months half the people would lose it all.  Gamble it, smoke it, sniff it.

If your engine and rudder isn't working properly it doesn't matter what life gives you.  You're boats going to fuck up and go in circle or maybe even sink.  It's an inside job.  Fix what's inside you and then hopefully the outside will work itself out.  I don;t know what I'm saying and it's late.

Goodnight.

With more I'm less

Watch the tears go
My emotions do flow
And feeling carries me home
It's sure to the fire
Your such a good liar
I beleieve that I'm never alone
I've heard all your thoughts
Looked over the plots
But I'm never sure which way to go
Just when I clear
You're straight out of here
I'm left holding less than I know
Each time is worse
since I've fell to the curse
please all I need is a hand
but it's silent like dead
and it empties my head
the more I just don't understand

Clouds

Screwed from the morning
knowledge and warning
mean absolutely nothing
my inside I'm stuffing
quit the head pain
driving insane
red to the road
the weight to reload
clouds overcome
leave me alone!