Fades to night

/
Reading words and playing songs
skipping thirds and righting wrongs
days unkept and brainwaves flow
eyes have wept and pauses will go
stop to think is going from far
wet is the ink which fuels the car
mine is a life it's what I'm told
cuts like the knife that's new not old
sleep is the thought that makes us die
aging I've caught with the question why
longer are days when you are young
many are ways to enjoy the fun
older is near it's just in your head
a vanishing year building the dread
lose your age so easy to say
hard to gauge difficult to weigh
time is gone this is the light
life is drawn but fades to night


Boring bore boring

/
Stream of consciousness comedy act structure

I. divorce
 A. hookers
  1. tranny's
  2. massage parlors
 B. The kid
  1. sadness
   a.crying
   b. my fault
   c. mom is crying to me
II. God
 A. Church
  1. people judge a lot
   a. Don't make fun of the church
  2. if God made us who made God?
   a. my mind is exploding
  3. You need a God to give life meaning
   a. God's life has no meaning because he doesn't have a God
  4. God made the rule's right
   a. If God didn't say murder was wrong then it wouldn't be.
III. Mairage
 A.  silence
 B. Kids
  1. noise
IV.  friends
 A. jealousy
 B. loneliness
 C. laughter
 D. Dreams
 E. Music
  1. The band
   a. drugs
   b. drinking
   c. egos
   d. memories
   e. chicks
   f. stress
   g. collaboration
   h. blame
   i. back stabbing
   j. stages
   k. communication
   l. drives/road trips
   m. instruments


I don't know what the fuck I'm doing at this point.  My goal is to put together a 45 minute act of funny comedy.  A comedy act that I think is funny and so do audiences.

I'm at a confusing loss for inspiration. 

Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is anger funny?

Not right now you idiot!


Outside in

/
Get outside, you can't stay inside all day. You can't spend your life in the dark. Maybe I can. This is a ramble with no rhyme or reason or thought behind the words, this isn't too new for me. Nothing original about doing the minimal. How have I built such a life? I've almost just stumbled into some beautiful existence that some people search their whole lives for.

All I want to do is nap. I want to sleep it all away. I can't get enough of it. Even when I'm awake I'm dreaming. I'm fine with being by myself. I can go to the movies by myself. I can go to dinner alone and not give it a second thought. I've heard that 25% of the people are introverts.

I'm surrounded. I have moments of bliss, occasions of hilarity, and periods that are sublime. But I have years of numbness. I can check out. I can spend days inside.

Right now I'm outside in the sun but my mind stayed in the house.

Forever mind bend

/
It's happened again, I lost the map!
No sign of a friend, just take a nap.
Go to bed and sleep, get some rest.
There's nothing to keep, there's no best.
No worst or better or even some score
in the very last letter, you'll still want more.
From the mountain down into the valley
the tribe fountain holds close on the tally.
You hold that look, the one that speaks strong
a symbol from a book and a life that's long
lasting till forever, so hard for my mind

The mountain

/
I'm not thirsty for water. I have a thirst that won't stop. My mouth is dry. My mind is a desert. My life is a mirage. My thirst grows. My drinks make my thirst grow larger. The heat is too much. So much so I don't feel it. I want to swim. I dream to swim but I am drowning in hot sand. My speed slows me down. My love makes me hate. My laughter brings tears. This mountain is incredibly difficult.

The view is amazing when I can open my eyes.

Pee bottles

/
Do not read this if you don't like pee bottles.

I use to live in San Francisco, for college.  I lived in a room with tall ceilings.  I wanted more space so I built a loft.  I made sure that it was tall enough to walk underneath so you don't hit your head.  Then I made sure that I would be able to stand on my knees on the mattress above without my head hitting the ceiling while doing pelvic thrusts.  I didn't do many pelvic thrusts but I could do it if I wanted.

I used milk crates for my stairs up to the loft.  I got my milk crates for free.  There's a fine line between finding and stealing sometimes.  I found my milk crates in front of a store.  Anyways, milk crate stairs hurt your feet when you walk on them with no shoes, in the middle of the night, to go pee.  That's why I just peed in a big plastic bottle.  One thing I learned is that chicks don't really like pee bottles.  It's not like they say, "Oh that pee bottle is great, I've got a period bottle."

I don't know what the big deal is.  I put pine sol in it, for the smell.  Just don't touch your penis on it.  I mean my penis, my penis was the only one to touch the bottle.

The only chick who ever saw my pee bottle married me so I think I change my mind, chicks love pee bottles.

The good times

/
These are the good times.
Are you ready for the good times?
Here they are.

The rope swing scared me. I remember that swing from when I was 7. We went there today. It's like a jungle down that hill into the tree covered valley. How dis they get the rope on to that branch. Look at that other rope that broke. If that rope breaks in mid swing you've got to be 50 feet from the ground. That could really hurt a guy.

I went first. Cautious at first. But then I went from higher up on the hill. Then my 6 year old went for it. Scared at first too. Awesome. We didn't want to let the four year old do it. A proper parent wouldn't let a four year old do it. I'm not always proper. He went for it. "Just don't let go!" was the one rule I gave him. He went. His leg slipped and he was holding on to the rope with his hands. He held on like a champ and I grabbed him on his way back. He went a bunch of times after that.

These are the good times!

tired everything

/
I'm tired beyond tired.  Is that a level of tired?  I just nodded off writing this.  I'm waking up at 3 AM.  I'm staying up.  I'm drinking coffee and diet coke and green tea (for health reasons).

I'm sleeping as I type.  This is like sleep walking.  I'm now officially sleeping while I type.  I'll drag and scrape the castle walls.  I'm taking the princess to the dungeon.

That was from a dream I was having as I typed.

Eyelids are very heavy now.

Fading hard.  Can't wait for sleep.  The clean sheets seem so inviting.  So perfect.  I want to go experience the perfection that is my bedsheets right now.

The chairs are knocked over.  This is not an excuse.  Sign me the way to the door.  It's opening and I want to be there when it does.  Dozing hard right now. 

My posture stinks.

I think I have enough.

It depends

/
I've seen the wheels down
Headed toward what's mine
To wear the constant frown
To live across the line
The birds that live in trees
The baby's egg has broke
The body's what he frees
The words will go unspoke
living towards a dream
That's all that it can be
Not what it may seem
Or even what we see
Channels in the space
To move and try to choose
Hell or heaven's place
Depending what we lose

Cussed out Mom

/
I just cussed out my mom.  You can go ahead and move my name to your "bad person" list of names now.  I am a bad person who says "fuck" to my mom.

She helps me too.  Every now and then she'll give us money and when we need help with baby sitting she will many times help out.  All this and still I say "fuck" in anger towards her?  After all she's done for me, and now I treat her like this?  WTF!

I have two boys.  Ages 4 and 6.  My mom is really worried that they aren't going to church.  They aren't hearing the word of Jesus, even more important, they aren't hearing the word of the preacher who thinks gays shouldn't get married.  More importantly than that, what do her church friends think of her if her grand kids don't show up on Sunday? What other people think is even more important than an eternity of hell fire.

I don't want my kids to go to church.  Church fucked me up.  I am worse off for going to church.  My thinking got screwed up from all the years of Sunday school.  It took me years to even attempt to make a dent towards the better regarding the damages of my thinking and well being.

The fucked up thing is I am willing to gamble with my kids future brains because I want some time by myself on Sunday.  I keep telling myself that I won't let them stay in church that long.  Not long enough to fuck them up.  I just want to relax on Sundays for a little. Later I will cut them off.  Letting my kids go to church with my mom is like a drug to me.  A drug that gives me peace and quiet for a few hours.  But it's also a drug that has consequences.

One thing that gets me really upset is when I drop off my kids with grandma and then pick them up later to find that she gave them haircuts.  Terrible nerdy haircuts.  It makes me so mad.  I told her over a half dozen times she is never, under any circumstance, to cut my kids hair.  She's completely ignored me.  About two months ago I spoke with her and said that it makes me extremely angry and upset when she cuts the boys hair.  She told me that she didn't realize that I felt that way (I fucking told her 6 times!) then she assured me she wouldn't do it again.

When I saw my youngest with his bangs chopped off today I was flooded with anger.  I picked up the phone and cussed my mom out.  She basically told me not to bring them around anymore.  I'm cut off.

Fuck.

If you tell someone directly and clearly that a certain action they are doing makes you very angry and they continue doing it I think you have to cut it off with that person, right? 

You can't get water from a stone.  God knows I've tried!

Water machines

/
Guys in my line of work aren't exactly Charlie Sheen style "winning" at life.  But that doesn't stop them from trying.  This coworker who is fifty years old and like myself, has trouble paying rent.  But he is planning on getting rich, with multilevel marketing (MLM).  Multilevel marketing gives you all the free time you need, all the money you need, and you get to be your own boss!  This guy is pumped!!

He's invested in these water machines.  I guess you hook this machine up to your faucet and it turns tap water into "healing" water.  Legally you can't day it heals, but it fucking heals.  My coworker has spoken to scientists and interviewed doctors about this stuff so you know it has to be true.

All I know is that as soon as I get an extra $1200-$3900 I'm going to get a water healing machine.  The guy spoke to scientists, that's serious.  I've never even met a scientist, but my coworker has and he talked to him about water machines that heal.

This stuff has got to work, my coworker is betting everything on it.

Why a "job" could be good

/
Isn't it a fucked up thing that the one thing you detest most is thing you are?  For instance the thing I hate most is really cool people who everyone likes and are just generally rad people. So inevitably because I hate these people I end up being just that, super cool and everyone loves me.  I can't stand it!

I don't know if you can tell by looking at me but I don't have a steady career or "income stream".  I've learned that women seem to like their men to have an "income stream".  Anyways, my point is I'm a late night trivia host in bars.  I walk into a bar with my microphone and PA system and I say, "Hi everyone, it's time for Trivia night!" Then I walk up to every table and say, "Hi, we're gonna play trivia tonight.  We play for free drinks and money.  Do any of you guys like free drinks and money?"  One thing I've learned is that most people in bars like both "free drinks" and "money".

Then I give the table some answer sheets and tell them to come up with a team name.  Usually they come up with something wacky like "Poopy Poop Poo."  Pretty crazy huh?  One team was formed of a few strangers, the two remember-able strangers were the "Big Fisherman" and the "Scrawny street performer" (This guy wore a guitar on his back).  They called themselves "The Beatniks".

As the evening progressed and many drinks were consumed the bar, with my help, was having a very enjoyable time.  On the last round the "scrawny street performer" changed the team name from "The beatniks" To "The beatnik cocksuckers".  I announced this change through my PA system to let everyone in the bar know about this wacky and zany name change.

Very shortly after I made this announcement I felt a squeeze around my neck.  Turns out that the "Big Fisherman" was unaware of his teams name change and he was choking me for calling him a "cocksucker".  My first thought was, "Wow, this guy is choking pretty hard for just kidding."

Then he kept choking harder and harder while yelling, "Why did you call me a cocksucker?  I'm not a cocksucker!!!!!  I'm not a COCKSUCKER!!!!!!!!!!".

The crowd in the bar surrounded us and the bouncer pulled the gentleman off of me.  He just wanted to make sure that I knew he wasn't a cocksucker.

I guess the point of my story is this: It's good in life to have an income stream or as the women in my life like to put it, a "job".  Otherwise you too might get choked, very hard.

Point with the hand

/
I saw this guy I knew who used to make money but now he was working at Starbucks.  I judged him.  Then I became a guy who couldn't even get a job at Starbucks.  If you judge some guy just because he's a loser means that you will become a loser.  I learned that from Jesus.

Did you know that if you point a finger at someone, there's 3 fingers pointing back at you.  That's why I point with every finger in my hand, I point with the whole hand.

When I was hitting rock bottom my guru told me everyone in life has that one incredibly hard problem or issue they have to deal with.  He told me his was a small pimple on his face.

Dance to the DJ

/
I don't know if I beleive that God has a plan. It just doesn't seem that fun if God already has everything preordained. Wouldn't that make God kind of nerdy and anal if he had some precise plan and he was just in the sky making sure it all goes according to his word?

I think God is cooler than that. Instead of carrying out some plan I see God mixing it live. I think God is like a DJ in the clouds mixing his tunes on the fly. I'm dancing to this shit. That's an important thing to remember, to dance. You've got to dance to the tune the dj's spinning. Sure you can put some requests in but in the end you've got to dance. You can't stand with your back against the wall.

Today I'm going to enjoy the music.