The rainbow of the soul

/
I don't know what's wrong with me, all that I know is I'm pretty sure something's wrong. It's like I'm driving a car with some major blind spots. I keep moving forward but there's some shit I'm doing that's fucked up and I can't even tell you what it is because my car has all kinds of areas that block my view. I'm the guy that steps off the airplane with no luggage. You look at me and think, "Wow this guy travels light." But then you go down to luggage and I've got 20 suit cases with my name on it. The funny thing is I didn't even know I brought anything. I guess in this analogy maybe my parents packed a bunch of crap for me to carry around.

I had another humiliating rock bottom the other day. I'm falling apart. I hate my job (there's nothing new there). It's suffocating me and paralyzing me with fear. I'm looking for new work but can't find anything. I'm trying to get in at a supermarket and it just feels degrading. I walk in there every few days to check in on my resume and the answer has been the same, "We're not hiring now." I'm loosing it. I have friends who are starting to make money again. I asked them for a job and they laughed at me. Said I don't really want a job I just want to follow some dream. And by the way it's a dream that they are more then happy to get there hands into just in case it happens.

My friend told me about how they were joking about my job request after I left. I'm at the lowest point in my life right now. I had to get off the phone. I felt like I was not only completely alone but like the biggest fuck up in the world. I started crying, I had to pull the van over. As I was sobbing I was screaming fuck you to all my friends and anyone in my little world. Then I started to curse out God. "Fuck you God!" And then I started proclaiming that there is no God and were all just fucked. Mostly it's me who's fucked because all I'm thinking about is myself at this point.

When I was in New Mexico I picked up a book for my wife filled with Native American sayings. The saying on the cover was "If it weren't for the tears of the eyes there would be no rainbow for the soul." I'm not usually a crier. I've gone over ten years without shedding a tear, but these last few years I've completely broke down twice.

I'm hoping for my rainbow. I feel crazy. There's also another quote I like and it goes something like this "It is no sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." For some reason this quote seems to resonate with me. I don't want to give in to the brainwashing and do what everyone else is doing. I want to be able to listen to my intuition. I want the inside to match the outside. I don't want to try to mask the inside with the outer. I don't want to hide who I am. I just want to be who I am. I want to be able to live as myself and not have to conform to some sick society. That's it.

Now I'll just bask in the rainbow of my soul.

Go fuck yourself

/
You're alone
try to fool yourself
try and believe you have friends
if you do you're a rich man
when you're riches fade so do your friends
when they stop getting they stop.
I should stop.

Try to fool yourself into believing in God
It'll work for a while
until you start to think for yourself
thinking for yourself is way over rated
You just realize your fucked when you start thinking for yourself

You're fucked and you're alone
There is no one looking after you
If you want anything in life you have to start conning
start conning people and start conning yourself.

You're fucked. You're alone.

You want to know how to be successful in life? Be born lucky.

otherwise you're fucked.

If you're fucked in life then you're best bet is to stop thinking for yourself and let other people do that for you. At least then you can relax. Let go of a little stress and ease a little pressure.

Go fuck yourself!

wrong is dead

/
It passed before me
the order was mixed
random pictures
A life that's fixed
tears are now?
There not here
not now or then
just numbing fear?
hold the template
destroy the old
leave the warm
walk through cold
laughter settles
the silences dies
I love the space
beyond the eyes
heartache feels
like it's all a part
a train that goes
from end to start
you think it's real
it's just a test
an act of worst
to get to best
ceilings slam
on heads of big
politics are
there to rig
holding staples
shooting guns
having terror
with angry nuns
tuck it in
before I do
priests will try
the scary through
but no one can
enter in
the place where
they call the sin
unless you open
the sacred door
do not enter
scare me more
tell your tale
and sing your song
until you feel
you have no wrong

The seed

/
Sometimes it wins
I try to stop
the feelings coming
over the top
Keep it cool
I tell myself
not for me
but someone else
lies of gold
and old tales
slipping grips
my coolness fails
never aiming
to see the end
but always ending
as no ones friend
I'm loosing
the plan that held
The strongest bridge
and then I yelled
to pull it all
and bring her down
the miss the take
forget the crown
thoughts have trapped
my body deep
eyes have lied
and evil creeped

Is love still there?
beneath the ground
the soils dry
below's the sound

Memory hears
that's all I need
memories of
the tiny seed

Still chasing gold

/
I'm moving in
I'm running in fact
swift sin
That's my act
It felt good
It's embedded
memory that could
not be shredded
keep the tone
the air that flew
waters stone
the day I knew
the speed was on
the feel right
the loss had gone
I regained sight
only then
not today
it's the sin
into the play
my mind
won't be be wrong
but time
is still the song
kiss me again
like before
be my friend
I'm at the door
you have spare
I know this
please care
my little miss

Free will (Is it really free?)

/
Free will or choice. Anybody who wants to appear normal will tell you we have free will. It's an accepted fact amongst the people. I bought into the whole free will thing. All it did was give me panic attacks. Some people who believe in God must not completely believe in free will because their God steps in to help make everything work out. But not even those people can agree on how much power God has. Some of them say God's will is from the clouds up, he just juggles all the stars while man handles everything from the clouds down. Then others say that God handles all the big problems and man gets to engage in the small stuff. I guess it's like God at the steering wheel, he's not gonna let you drive the car but he'll let you mess with the stereo every now and then.

I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to know the answer about free will or choice. I definitely won't know the answer about God's will unless he speaks directly to me and that hasn't happened yet. So when I came to the conclusion that I'll never know the truth, what did I say? Fuck the truth.

I decided it was all God's will. Everything. The good and the bad. It was all him. Actions, thoughts, the whole shebang. The result was a relief. I didn't have to carry the world and it's problems on my shoulders. I was able to let that go. I was able to let go figuring out stuff. I was also able to let go of beating myself up. I've always been the type to carry around a lot of blame and regret. But not anymore, that wasn't me fucking up, that was God. I lost the shame.

On the other side of that coin I also couldn't take credit. I went for that "Of myself I am nothing, the father does the works" thing. It was cool.

Until....

I woke up 15 years later with no home and no money and no job. It's hard to keep the story going. Maybe there's both. Can both free will and choice exist at the same time? Can I move from world to world? Or do I need to choose one?

Thsi is my question.

Don't dwell

/
I don't know the quote exactly but it's by Winston Churchill and it goes something like this "Success is going from failure to failure without losing a good attitude." Well I've definitely got the failure to failure part down. I'm nailing that shit! Perfect failures. Perfect.

It's the keeping the positive outlook part that troubles me. I guess you just can't dwell on the failure. That can get you down. There's a difference between dwelling on the mistake and learning from the mistake. A normal healthy dude will say to himself,"Okay, I won't do that again."

And then a not so healthy dude (I know this guy well) will keep thinking about the mistake over and over again like a broken record. "Fuck, I can't believe that happened. Why did I say that? Those people must think I'm an idiot. Oh God I am an idiot. They're right."

So don't dwell. Just learn and move on.

Learn how to die

/
Don't know how it happens but I'm back in Albuquerque. I don't ever want to come here but the people are nice. I have friends here. I do stuff here. Comedy being one of those things. I'm so tired.

There was a good amount of turbulence in the air today. Whenever there's turbulence I think of dying. I decided that I was ready. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die or anything, I just decided that If I did I was ready. I don't know what that means or where that came from but it seemed to come from a peaceful place.

When I was studying meditation there was a technique called the "death" technique. You were supposed to just contemplate death. There's also a wilco song that says something like,"You've got to learn how to die if you want to learn how to live."

We've got to die to live. So here's to dying.

Fuck you! How nice would it be?

/
Post 200 everybody, and when I say everybody I'm mostly talking to me. I'm doing it. Doing what I don't know but I'm doing something. I'm moving forward, which is better than backwards, unless you're trying to back out of hell. In that case walking backwards is ok. In my case I'm walking forward towards the mountain. I don't know why it's a mountain but it is. I'm walking towards the mountain. At first I was backing away from insanity but now I'm walking towards the mountain.

What mountain am I walking towards you ask? I don't know what fucking mountain you dip shit, I'm just walking towards the mountain. It's the mountain of spirit. When I mount this mountain I get to keep my spirit. And when I say spirit all I'm really saying is I don't have to be a loser.

200 is big. It started with day one and now I'm at 200. I have momentum. Momentum towards what I don't know but it's momentum and I'll take it. It's the ripple that will turn into a tsunami. The tsunami being my eventual ability to pay my rent on time.

Here's to momentum and here's to the rent being paid and here's to saying fuck you to people who you want to say fuck you to but are scared to.

You know who you are; Fuck you.

Are you a comedian?

/
Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I'm not a comedian. I'm an "aspiring" comedian. I've listened to enough comedians podcasts to learn that unless you get paid and have paid your dues you are not a real comedian. Anyways, I got asked tonight by a girl if I was a comedian. She said if not I should be, I told her I was an aspiring comedian and she said no you're a comedian. She said I have the comic timing and the self effacing necessary for good comedy. I'll take it.

A good comedy show can really turn things around for me. I feel decent tonight.

The thing is I know enough to know that I don't know. I know enough to know that I have a lot to learn. The first thing I need are the tools. I've got the delivery machine. I just need the content to deliver. Where does this come from? Answer: me. I write every day and that's a start but I need to start writing smarter. I need to get the comedy toolbox. The joke wrench, a joke hammer, some funny nails, a hilarious drill and some silly screws to put inside my joke box.

I need the joke muscles. Like real muscles the joke muscles don't come easy, they come with working out. If you don't know how to work out then you need a trainer. Then when you learn how to exercise you develop your own personal routine.

I just want to work my joke muscles into shape. I am a comedian when I have 45 minutes of funny material. This is when I can put on that hat. This is when I can go crazy with the promotion side. But now I'm back to basics. Write the jokes. Like a pimp with a strong pimp hand I need a strong joke hand.

I'm gonna be smacking audiences with my joke hand so watch out.

The meaning of life

/
I'm not comfortable with dying, I'm more of a stay alive type guy.

During my younger years I spent so much time thinking about the meaning of life. What does it mean. I was a baptist Christian so our church was right and everyone else was going to hell. Gandhi was a nice guy but he was burning. Something about us being the only ones who were doing it right didn't ring true to me. I strayed.

I became lost and nothing made sense. I couldn't find the point to anything. What was the point to life? What was the point to doing anything when we're all going to die anyways? What was the point to organized sports. Sports were just one big joke that I never got.

I wanted an answer. I wanted the truth! Was Jesus the truth? Was it buddah? Or krishna? Or maybe the truth was hidden somewhere in the lesbian culture with their lesbian God, bitchwarrior. I tried it all especially bitchwarrior.

Come to find out that I didn't really want the truth at all, I just wanted to be right just like my church so I could tell people they were wrong. All I've found out is that you'll never know the truth.

Fuck the truth! You are the truth, it's within you. This is where to look, this is where to retreat, this is where you can draw strength.

That's my only truth, that's my only meaning.

death

/
Things change. Really profound, huh? I'm pretty deep sometimes. Things change. I don't like it, I'm more of a things stay the same type of guy. That's why I'm not always the best at being human. As fucked up as life is and as disappointing as life can be, I still want to live. Is that weird? That I want to breath air and stuff. Eat pizza and play with my kids. Maybe kiss my wife now and again.

I get uncomfortable when I think of dying. That's normal, right? I don't really care for dying. I'm more of a living type of guy. I get really uncomfortable thinking of death. I think of death a lot. I know, you're not supposed to think of death, you're supposed to pretend that when you die you'll get to spend eternity in heaven, walking on clouds in all white clothing. If you just believe that then you won't have to think about death and you won't have to feel uncomfortable. My only problem is that I have a hard time believing in fairy tales. I'm more of a I like to use common sense type of a guy.

The thought of dying, and then that's it, doesn't sit well with me. I want to keep going. Maybe an after life is a fairy tale but to me it makes more sense than not. I want to learn, I want to have fun, and I want to relax. What does that have to do with death? Who knows.

The breaking point

/
My back was against the wall. I was drunk and stoned off of sleep deprivation. It was a strain to formulate coherent thoughts and sentences. My stomach had been consumed with an all encompassing anxiety that was making all my decisions. Fear was ruling me. Fear of loss. Fear of abandonment. Fear of leaving.

But staying has been painful and it was growing worse by the moment. I was the slave, the bitch. I allowed it, or I should say my fear allowed it. Soon the pain became unbearable, worse than the fear. I was cornered. I was asked to play the part of peon. I broke.

They broke me. The pain of staying became greater than the fear of leaving. The breaking point, or the turning point, or the jumping off place. They pushed me to the edge and I wouldn't let them keep my soul, I held tight. My spirit won't die. They said, "Hand it over!"

I couldn't do it. I jumped. The moment my feet left the edge my gut relaxed and I became calm. The fear left.

Profoundly sick (Don't read)

/
You're a fucking pussy! If it happens for me then you're safe with your little deal but if it happens to you you change? The deals off? You know what you promised to.

Laughter and fun were so easily avoided with a drink then. Make ups are easy with a drink. Without medication it's harder to heal.

Find my meds. They're hard to find. You can't hold them. You really can't buy them. Maybe you can buy maps to them but you can't buy these meds in a store and put them in your grocery bag and bring them home.

My meds are transparent. They're hard to see. You have to be in a place. On the beam maybe, but sometimes when you have fallen off the beam and are far from home the medication appears.

Fill my heart with meds. I'm drowning. No one gives a fuck unless you're pretty. No one cares unless you know how to sing. Fuck you you sheep!!!!!

It is not a sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick world!

Where?

/
I'm in stress out mode. When am I not? I don't know. I feel the anxiety creeping back into me like a cancer stronger than ever after a remission. I haven't slept much. I won't sleep much tonight. I hate my job! They're threatening to fire me if I don't become their indentured servant. I can't stand being controlled. I'm fucking out of it right now. Checkmated by life once again.

What the fuck! I'm 37. Very behind schedule. I'm all or nothing and you know what that means I am today. Where's the peace?

Where did you go? The joy for life? The fun?

I am poetry!!

/
A lot of people don't realize that I am a poet. I'm the real deal. My poetry is the kind that comes from angels, the kind of poetry that you can only write if you get yourself into a space where you watch a sunset and cry. True poetry comes from tears, tears that come from a place where you are witnessing something so beautiful that you have to cry. My poetry style is probably best categorized as beauty tear poetry. I'm special, I have special emotions. That's why I'm an important poet.

You get to be a poet of my stature without crying a lot of tears. Whenever I recognize beauty I start crying. I'm crying right now just because I can totally spot the genius in this writing that I'm creating at this very moment.

That's all art is, being in the moment, right? That's why people are always saying I'm brilliant.

But enough about me and more about my beauty. My poetry. Not only does poetry come from beauty but it comes from darkness. I have entered the realm of darkness. The depths of evil. The terror that your average American would go into cardiac arrest if he even knew a glimpse of the darkness I have witnessed. My incredible poetry comes from this place too.

I'm very sensitive so usually I don't express my deepest feelings but I feel that because this is the internet it's a safe place to share. Because people on the internet just want to help you. I feel safe and not judged right now.

My poem that I would like to share with you is titled innocent addicts.

Crack cocaine, heroine or speed
I can't help what's coming into me
My mom's a junkie and a slut
cigarettes and pot while I'm in her gut

I'm innocent I'm an innocent addict
I'm innocent It's not my fault that I love drugs!

incubator will be my place to live
5 years from now I'll be a Jerry's kid
20 years old can't even read
still addicted to crack cocaine and speed

I'm innocent it's my fault
I learned it from you mom! In your stomach!!!!!!!